Christmas... it's a holiday that brings out so much emotion in all of us who celebrate. Memories of Christmas's past, thoughts of a little boy born long ago who brought hope to the world. Last year, I remember wrapping up my ornaments, one at a time... and as I did, I remember thinking that this was the last Christmas I'd spend alone. My heart just knew, that a child would be with me. Perhaps that's why I met with the adoption agency in January... it was time to move ahead and make that dream a reality. It's so easy to have expectations of those we love, I tried so hard to not have any of Kajal, after all... what is Christmas to her. She knew that Santa Clause wore a red coat and gave presents... she heard of a special baby named Jesus born many years ago. She loved the tree and the lights... but the rest was a mystery to her. Christmas Eve started out beautiful. There Kajal was wearing her special lanz nightgown, opening her first special present from me, under the tree. Her little Jasmine doll that serenaded her with her music.



We had a special dinner and settled in for a good nights sleep. My mother stayed on the couch watching television so that I could 'help' Santa later in the evening, once Kajal fell asleep. Of course we told her Santa was coming and would bring her many 'good' things. Later I realized that perhaps that wasn't the best thing to tell her.. after all, a strange man coming in the middle of the night? Then her confusion set in, she didn't understand why my mother was staying... the house was always empty when I took her to bed. The stress and confusion was too much and she had the worst tantrum she's had since returning from India. Screaming and crying, sobbing, kicking and screaming. A good half hour into the tantrum my mother came to tell me some neighbors were visiting. At first I asked her to send them away but then realized it may not be such a bad thing afterall. I walked into the living room to see Patrick and Marcia, two of the most kind and loving neighbors I've ever had. I apologized to them for what they'd heard and seeing that they were holding a present for Kajal, I made the decision to bring her out (hoping, praying this would calm her down). It did... she walked out in a bit of a quiet daze and accepted their present. She opened it and the gift, a light bright (you remember that game, we put the pegs in and made pictures and it all lights up) captured her attention and seemed to calm her down. Patrick spent the next half hour setting it up for her and after they left I let her play with it for a while, mostly out of desperation.. hoping it would exhaust her and calm her enough to sleep. It did, and she finally was willing to go back to bed. That night, Christmas eve... Kajal had the worst nightmares, the worst night terrors ever. Screaming, sobbing, crying in her sleep. I stayed with her, hour after hour. I hauled her up in my arms and walked, pacing back and forth, rocking her like a baby. Until she'd quiet, I'd lie her back down to sleep... only to have the nightmares start again within the hour. By midnight I was considering cancelling Christmas. At first I was angry and frustrated, thinking that Christmas was ruined... and then I realized so what. This isn't what Christmas is about. Who cares about playing Santa... she didn't know what to expect or what it was about. As I prayed for compassion and patience I realized that this little girl had no idea what was going on. She was full of fear and completely stressed out. Nothing mattered except her happieness... more importantly, her peace. At my moment of feeling the most disheartened, the most  overwhelmed... I heard voices raised in song. The congregation from my church was singing Oh Come All Ye Faithful... and the words wrapped around me as the hug of a loved one would have. I rocked my baby to sleep and about three in the morning was able to 'help Santa' and create the magic I hoped, she might enjoy.


Christmas morning and Christmas day were everything I could ever have hoped for, for me and for Kajal. With the exception of my mother becoming ill and not being able to join us at my sisters for Christmas dinner. When Kajal saw the presents under the tree she screamed with joy... she recognized her name on the packages and opened the largest of them all. It was a Dora aqua mat (basically a large rug that you write wiggly lines with a water pen and a jeep follows the line you've drawn) she loved it. Squeeling with joy she had me set it up and played with it for a while. Ignoring the rest of the presents.



We dressed, walked Logan, picked up my mother and brought her home and had breakfast then returned to the tree. Hours later, exhausted, Kajal was overwhelmed with joy. She tried on every head band, every sweater, and examined every toy. Her favorite was a large Dora doll, she practically cried with joy when she opened it. She hugged the doll and told her she loved her, then turned to me and told me that she loved me.



The day only got better. We went to Church at the Old North and Kajal sat, playing with her new little camera that had pictures of fish inside. We visited with my sister, nephews and father. Everyone fell in love with her. She was joyful, kind, funny and full of love for this new family she had. When we got home and she saw the candy canes on the tree she simply screamed, Santa Candy! Then proceeded to dance a jig and laugh from the depths of her little heart.




Christmas eve may have been painful but the day was truly magical... her first Christmas was everything we ever could have dreamed of.