I didn't realize how big it would be. Or how much the weight of the lack of legal permanence was weighing on my soul, until she was made, legally... mine. We are now, finally, truly and forever a family... in the eyes of the law. No one can separate us. I tried to explain to Kajal that we were going to court, a big room with a woman called a judge who would talk with us and give us a paper that would make us 'adopted' that this paper was very special. I asked her if she understood what 'adopted meant' as we'd talked about it many times before I thought she'd have a bit of an idea, but her answer was about the cutest thing I've ever heard. It means I'll be able to fit in your tummy, Mommy.

I explained again that being adopted meant that we were becoming a family, and that I would be her Mommy forever and ever. We spent some time talking about it, but then the morning dawned  and I said aren't you excited, today is our big day and Kajal asked if we were moving to Florida, Logan will miss us Mommy. Huh? I realized she missed my mother and some how was overlapping my mother leaving and the talk of family being together forever with the fact that, well of course, we'd be moving to Florida to be with my mother. My older sister Linda, Kajal's Godmother was there to support us. Somehow she got through to Kajal where I couldn't. She looked at her and simply said, over and over and over again that this was Kajal's special day. That the judge would make Mommy and Kajal a family for always. Kajal seemed to get it, after the 10th or so time and was very excited that she was having a special day.

The court house was big and imposing as usual but the security let me bring in camera's and we headed for court. Our attorney was kind and patient and the Judge, the Judge was amazing. She called Kajal up to the bench and put a beautiful gold crown on her head. She explained the use of the gavel, and she read the legal documents making me, forever Kajal's mother. She then gave her, her name. Kajal Julia Schiller. I've never heard anything so beautiful as that name, on the lips of that Judge. I pulled the Judge aside and told her of Kajal's greatest fear, that she will have to go back to India or that someone will come and take her from me. Could the Judge say something that could help ease that specific fear? The Judge was wonderful, Judge Joan Armstrong... she so kindly and firmly told Kajal that no one could ever come and take her away from me, or take her back to India. She was very firm and judicial while also radiating warmth and kindness. She hit the gavel and the sound rang through the halls of justice. She gave the gavel to Kajal and Kajal hit the gavel as hard as she could. And so, it was so.

Of course, Mommy cried through out the hearing.





The Judge made one more decree, Mommy had to take Kajal for an icecream cone! We headed for a special restaurant, Boston's Anthony's Pier 4 and my sister and I had Lobsters to celebrate. Kajal had chicken fingers and laughed as she put her feet up and gazed out the expanse of windows at the boats passing by. She kept saying, this is my special day! Everyone that we saw, we told... this is our special day! This is our adoption day! This morning as we headed to school, I held her hand as we went into our little neighborhood store, Logan in tow. Kajal stepped up to the counter, coffee with milk for mommy and donut for me! I smiled down at her and said, Kajal, do you want to tell your friends here what yesterday was. She smiled broadly and said 'It was Congadddulations Day!' It hit me, that's what everyone kept saying to us... Congratulations!

We gave Kajal some very special presents. My sister Linda, was amazing. She gave her a beautiful gold id bracelet with her name on one side and the date on the other... what a magical date 10/22/08, how blessed are we. The day she got her name, full name, legally... and I became her mother, on paper. I had a carousel that I'd picked up for Kajal in Paris on the way to India... a beautiful pink carousel that turned around and played the theme from Love Story. I also had an elephant that she had seen in a store in India that she wanted... a small white elephant engraved with beautiful flowers, all of hand carved marble made by the artisans around the Taj Mahal. I also gave her a bracelet, a silver chain of hearts and a cross with Jesus on it to remember how much I love her... and that God loves her. What a magical day. She laughed and she giggled and she realized on some level that this was an important day... her day.

I loved Kajal from the moment I accepted her as my daughter on March 14 of 2007. The day I accepted the referral... my love just grew. I've loved her every moment that I gazed upon her pictures and watched her grow from half way around the world. I loved her and hurt for her when I noticed in the pictures a loss of weight. I worried for her at night, I prayed for her all day. I loved the little stories I heard and the glimpses of a shy smile, eyes full of fearful hope. I loved her when I held her for the first time in my arms, on November 14 of 2007 and through every moment we have experienced together ever since. My love for her has grown and grown to such a degree I can't look back at my days before Kajal... because it hurts to imagine a moment without her in my life. Last night, as I gazed at her sleeping I remember the shy, terrified and sparkling little girl in India and I see her for who she is becoming in her own right. I felt a sense of permanence I hadn't even realize I hadn't let myself feel. A reality so big and so beautiful, so right... and so completely breathtaking that I took her in my arms, I breathed in the scent of her beautiful hair and I kissed her goodnight. Whispering that I will love her, forever.

6 inches shorter, just a few months before bringing her home... my baby