For the last month, I've been reading Kajal every book on Christmas that I could find. I purchased the old classic movies as well, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman and Santa Claus is coming to town. We read Rudolph and the Night before Christmas, passages from a childrens First Bible... we've talked about Santa and about the traditions surrounding Christmas. Last year, although Kajal experienced the holiday she really had no idea what was going on. She still hadn't spoken English and although she went along with everyone her confusion was often evident. She reached her breaking point on Christmas Eve and had a horrific tantrum and we'd been up until the early morning hours with her screaming and crying. Looking back I realized that her fear had been palpable... she knew something big was happening and that some man was supposed to be coming to our house during the middle of the night to bring something called presents but what did that really mean to her? Nothing good, I'm sure. I wanted her to be prepared this year.... we made homemade ornaments for the tree and sang Christmas carols off key.
The first snow of the year was just a dusting but Kajal was determined to put on her snow suit and scrape up enough snow to make a snow ball...


One of the games Kajal and I play is that where ever we are we look for signs of love... literal signs. When we're on the beach we search for heart shaped shells, in the forest, heart shaped rocks. When we were in Hawaii we found countless heart shaped pieces of coral and one perfect heart shaped piece of lava rock. As we were walking to breakfast one morning Kajal screamed, a snow heart mommy! And sure enough, there was a big chunk of snow perfectly formed as a beautiful heart. See Kajal, love is everywhere... we laughed and giggled as we gazed upon the perfect snow ball. She carried into the diner and proudly showed it off, asking for  a plate to lay it on. She carried it safely home and when we had to run an errand into the church we had our friend who oversees the church, clear away a pedestal on brick to keep it safe while we were inside. The heart is now safely tucked away in our freezer...


The magic of Christmas began when I pulled down the boxes from storage that held all our Christmas decorations. We made a big deal about opening the boxes and Kajal was overcome with joy and excitement when the time came to open the boxes. Such a simple thing was so huge to her... these things we take for granted, packing some thing away only to have it come back to us a year later... year after year. She never owned a pair of shoes never mind created something that she could touch again in the future. We opened the first box and inside were our Christmas Bears. Two that had been gifts to me from an old beau and one very special one that my friend Bill's parents, Bill and Janet had sent to Kajal from the Cape. It was a beautiful white Santa Bear that sang Christmas music and danced. Kajal screamed and danced, clutching the bear to her chest. Oh, Mommy, it's mine! It's mine! She danced around the room and squeezed it's paw... the bear burst into song and danced back and forth and Kajal sat back, laughing and clapping her hands. Oh, Mommy, it's real! It's a real bear!

It was so simple and so beautiful. The magic of Christmas, right there in that little bear. 

There was one box that Kajal couldn't open easily, it was so tightly taped. Oh, Mommy this is a magic box, I know it is. Let's save it until last. I looked at the beaten up crate and barrel box and wondered what was inside, I hoped it was something precious so that she wouldn't be let down. As we went through the boxes, Kajal oohed and ah'ed over the ornaments that we found, truly amazed to find ornaments that she'd created herself the year before. Finally it was time to open the last box. We slowly peeled back the tape and Kajal held her breath, I just know Mommy. I just know there's magic in here. When she peeled back the cover green burst out 'OH MOMMY IT"S A TREE!!!!!!!' I looked at the small box in her hands and realized that we'd packed one of those fake green garlands on the top layer to protect what was in side. She was jumping up and down screaming, A TREE! A TREE! I laughed so hard and hugged her... well, honey, it's not exactly a tree... we'll have to go get a Christmas tree but this is green and it's a wonderful decoration... just like a tree. She quickly got over her dissapointment when she uncovered the beautiful ornaments inside. One by one she pulled out the decorations and looked at me misty eyed... I remember these Mommy. I remember these from a long, long time ago.

Last year did seem like a long, long time ago... so much has changed, she's changed so much. It probably seems like forever to her.

This box was magic. It contained the beginning of our own history, our own first Christmas traditions.

The Christmas season just got better and better. Kajal truly came to believe in Santa and all the magic of Christmas. We went to see Santa and the look on her face as he came down the street was pure awe... her hands clasped, her lips bitten and quivering. The night before we'd written her first ever letter to Santa (she made me write one too and she even wrote one for our dog Logan).

When she climbed up on the trolley to see Santa she handed him her list. He tried to hand it off to an elf but she made him open it and read it aloud. A Hannah Montana wig... hmmm he said and read on quietly. An Obama book! He exclaimed and everyone laughed at this little girl... little did they know how far she'd come to be here.
Kajal gazing up at Santa with total awe and joy!


We got the most beautiful tree, Kajal picked it out of course and decorated it with all our special ornaments, old and newly made. We prepared for the big day. 
Kajal creating wreaths for the Church


We decorated the Old North, inside and out and attended a special manger service for the children. All of it was familiar to Kajal, she remember doing each of these things last year but now was truly realizing that good things would happen for her again and again... they weren't just one time occurances. I've come to realize how important these traditions are. They are creating a new history for us, building blocks of our future one block at a time, one memory at a time. Don't get me wrong, this season wasn't all hot chocolate and giggles. There were days on end where the stress was clearly getting to her and she acted out. One day, Kajal would be full of light and love the next she be screaming with rage and pounding her fists on me telling me how much she hated me and wished she had no mommy.  In those moments I'd hold her, let her rant and rave and then if she hit me too hard I'd end up yelling or having to walk away to calm down, only setting her off further. She fight to hold on to me at the same time she try and push me away. One day, I got so angry...she challenged me at every turn that by the time it was bed time we were both exhausted, hurt and angry. I went to her bed and put my head down next to her... I'm sorry I lost my patience with you today Kajal. This isn't fun for either of us... I held her hand and told her I loved her ... over and over again until she fell asleep.

We laugh a lot... we have wonderful times and moments and memories but there are times I think Kajal just needs to challenge it all, challenge me. Times when the newness of everything must simply overwhelm her and she just needs to scream and cry and yes, even lash out physically. After one of these episodes she often goes to her room and shuts the door, self punishes. She'll sit in silence then get up and clean her room. She'll open the door and come out and silently take my hand and walk me back in to her room to see that she was trying. It's often like this, three steps forward, two back, one forward.
Kajal and I in Church and Kajal with her magic Christmas Bear


Christmas Eve this year was not full of tantrums,or tears or screams of fright. It was perfect. Everything I could have hoped for her. Our neighbors, Holly, Brian and Brian Jr. came upstairs for dinner and I roasted a turkey. We had a traditional dinner and exchanged presents, Kajal got Brian Senior to put on a holiday show for us (she did her Hannah Montana routine) and then we tracked Santa's flight on line. When it looked like he was headed to the States, the Ruggiero's headed for home and Kajal practically raced to my bed to go to sleep. Oh, did I mention that Kajal has started to sleep in her own bed? She has, finally! It's amazing. We have a system down, she falls asleep in her own bed, watching the television in the living room through her doorway, with me sitting on a chair within her sight. For some reason, she's gotten hooked on House and I always put an episode on when she heads of bed. She usually wakes up around midnight alone, freaks out and comes to my bed. But this is huge progress! On Christmas eve though she'd already decided she'd spend the night in my room and was too afraid to even try and sleep in her room.

She raced around looking for her special Christmas night gown then nervously helped me put out cookies, milk and 9 carrots for the reindeer. She dove into bed and held her breath as she listened to the sounds of the outside. I read her the Night before Christmas and Rudolphs story but she was so nervous that Santa might hear me and not come in that she kept telling me to talk softer. She was terrified that she wouldn't be able to fall asleep. The wind blew and sure enough we heard the jingling of bells in the air. Kajal could barely breath and I could feel her heart pounding through her chest as she clung to me. Mom, did you hear that? I heard the bells... yes baby, I did... it may have sounded a little like the ringing of the metal dog tags at the war memorial at the church next door... but tonight they were truly reindeer bells. She looked out the window above the bed, Mom, Look! I saw Rudolphs red nose... it was light but it was way up in the sky! Just then, Logan, who had been in a sound sleep at the end of the bed jumped up and howled like  a wolf then flew off the bed and ran through the apartment barking and howling wildly. We both jumped in the air and looked at us with excitedment, Logan hears them too! The phone rang and I answered.. it was Santa Claus calling to say goodnight to Kajal. I'd explained to her that he sometimes calls special children to remind them that they need to be in bed. Kajal took the phone, her voice shaking. Santa? Have you been a good girl this year, Kajal, he asked. Oh yes, Santa, I've been a very good girl. Well, Santa said, we're in the neighborhood so I hope you get to sleep soon. I will Santa, I'm already in bed. Have a good night Santa, have a good time (she was so polite)

Oh Mom, Santa called me. Come in, we have to go to sleep now! I held her until her heart and breathing slowed down and then, she just passed out cold from the excitement. I watched her precious face as she slept and wondered at all she'd been through.

She awoke several times through the night,having nightmares of monsters and santa. She never once tried to peak in the living room though, too afraid she might interupt Santa in his work and frighten him away. in the morning, she was also, too afraid to see if he'd actually come. She couldn't truly accept or believe that he would have come for her. But then I wondered, why would she, she spent 5 years without a Santa coming for her? She made me go and check first and when I came back and reassured her that Santa had in fact come and left her quite a few presents it still wasn't enough to get her out of bed. She made me go back and look through the entire apartment to make sure he still wasn't there somewhere. When I came back and told her the coast was clear she finally ventured out to see all of her presents, laying around the glow of the Christmas tree. One present had her name with a little heart next to it.. she held it up and exclaimed, look mommy, Santa loves me! Then as she opened every present she would exclaim with Joy at the top of her lungs, Mommy, Santa LOVES ME, HE REALLY REALLY LOVES ME!


Oh yes honey, Santa loves you.
Christmas morning, Barbie scooters, Hannah Montanta video's, princess games and lots of pink clothes!




Christmas Concert
Christmas Morning
Christmas Morning