Last week we had a miracle... Kajal fell asleep in her own bed, by her own choice and slept the entire night there... with no bad dreams, not a one.  It was only one night, but just knowing that she finally felt so safe was worthy of a huge celebration. We called my mother, my sister... shared the news and celebrated throughout the day. The doctors and social workers hadn't expected this progress for a long time... I was so proud of her.  I reminded her she could still come to me whenever she needed to, and the next few nights she would fall asleep in her bed but crawl in with me during the middle of the night as the dreams would once again, awaken her. I reassured her that I loved having her with me and it was totally up to her when she was ready to stay in her room again.  She seemed more at peace and we had a few really smooth days, almost a week with few problems. Hitting such a peaceful pace felt so good.

We had a couple of good days, full of snow storms, chicken soup and Obama arts and crafts. Kajal made a beautiful flag with President elect Obama's profile that we've hung on our door.  She's also been very patient with me watching a lot more news and specials on the inaugeration lately but last night was another rough one. I'm not even sure how or when it started. We had a great day, she drew a portrait of Martin Luther King and we made red white and blue cupcakes to celebrate our country's blessings. She was over sensitive and grumpy and lashed out easily. The tears came and then the tantrums, it was her bedtime so I practically had to drag her kicking and screaming to her bed. She screamed for cookies but I told her no sugar and no rewards for bad behavior so she screamed louder. I brought her some crackers and a banana to her bed... no matter how mad, I'll never risk her going to bed hungry, not with her history but I couldn't bring myself to deliver sugared cookies with her in this state of mind. She screamed at the top of her lungs then passed out with the words I hate you on her lips.

This morning it was like nothing happened, I tried to get her to talk about it but to no avail. She's so cute, when she knows she's acted badly. She'll still go into her room, shut the doors (I don't send her there) and then come for me when she's done, walk me back to quietly show me the beautiful, newly cleaned room.

Today was Martin Luther King's birthday and Kajal was home from school. I had to work (from home as I do) and she was really frustrated with me... she just couldn't understand why I had to work on the computer instead of playing with her. I kept coming up with creative arts and craft projects, new Hannah coloring pages, math problems... you name it. Until finally I'd run out of things do keep her happy and she was so sad and frustrated. She came to me at the computer and wrapped her little arms around me, looking up at me with tears running down her face. She just whimpered that she was lonely and needed me.

Two deadlines were flashing at me on my screen and I knew I couldn't stop working but I had to think quick. Oh, the things we think of when we're desperate.

I know! I said, all excited, I know what we can do!!! What? She asked, hopeful.

We can make a magic box.... my voice filled with excitement as my mind raced for creative solutions. A magic box, Mom, what's that?

It's a box that I'll make for you, but you have to decorate very slowly and very carefully.... to make it super special just for you. Then it will be magic... (and hopefully take a really long time)

How mommy, how does it become magic? And what does it do?

It's magic because you'll be able to put your mad, sad, bad feelings into it and the box will take them away and leave you feeling better.

Oh Mommy, that is magic! Yea, Mommy that's a great idea!

I ran to her bedroom and grabbed a handful of colored paper... here honey, pick your favorite colors. Then I ripped through her closet and pulled out  an old Dora shoe box. Taking the pink and green paper she handed me I glued it along the outside of the box then filled her art table with sparkles and glue, beautiful butterfly and flower stickers I'd stashed for a rainy day.

She worked long and hard on the box and when it was done, it was truly beautiful and I must say, magical looking. I met my deadlines in the meanwhile

What do we do now Mom, how do we make it magic? Hmmm....

Well, we sit and say special prayers over the box.

We held hands and gazed at the box, and I spoke in a whisper , Kajal and I would like to ask all the angels in the heavens and all of the fairies through out the lands to watch over this box and everything Kajal puts in it. Please take all the sad, angry and mad .... and all the other bad feelings that Kajal has and replace them with loving and happy feelings and thoughts. Amen.

Kajal gazed at the box. Okay mom, I'm ready. She grabbed a piece of paper and started to write, Dear Magic Box (she can't spell yet but is desperately working at learning so she had me spell out each word for her) Get the mad from me.
You know, Kajal, I said. Sometimes you may want to put something in here that you wont want me to help you spell, like when you're mad at me. You can just draw a picture for now if that's easier, the  box will understand. Hmmm, she thought, okay. And she drew a picture of herself with a really mad face.

When I put this in the box, what happens then Mommy? Oh my. Well honey, hopefully, the mad will stay in the box and you'll be left feeling happy again. What do you think?

Do you think the box would give me a video?

Well, that's not really how it works honey.

Well, I'm going to ask anyway. And she drew a picture of a video next to her mad face and put her note in the box. Then we sat back and gazed at the special box.

It was time for dinner and I headed to the kitchen to start pulling it together. Kajal rushed in, Mom, she whispered, don't leave me alone with it, I'm scared.

Uh oh.

Why? Well, what if they come.

I don't think you have to worry about that, it's not like the tooth fairy. The box is just special, it will help you with your bad feelings. Well, what about the angels and fairies? Oh, yeah. Those. Why didn't I think these things through before I opened my mouth.

I'm sure the fairies and angels will work their magic from a distance, they wont come in our home.

Every little while I'd see Kajal sneak back in and tentatively lift the lid of the box to see if her note was still there.

After she went to sleep I realized how literal she was and that maybe just maybe she really did need a little magic. I took the note from the box and replaced it with a little piece of coral we'd found on a beach, shaped like a heart.

It wasn't a video but perhaps it will be just enough to give her hope that mad, bad, sad feelings can be replaced with hope and love