The last few evenings the nightmares have really taken a hold of Kajal. She has been so afraid. As bedtime nears her anxiety climbs and her fear escalates. She's afraid of the dark, of any whisper of noise around our apartment or around the building. She's terrified someone will come in and hurt her and she's afraid of going to sleep and having nightmares.She's asked me to continue to sleep next to her to make sure that I can protect her, that no one will get to her to harm her. At least now, some part of her trusts that I'll do just that, protect her. She can only go to sleep with my arms wrapped tightly around her.

Last night as bed time neared she started to sob. She just couldn't stop crying. She got confused at the idea of changing her clothes and the simple task of picking out pajama's. I've read about age regression and although it doesn't happen often, it happens. My seven year old was experiencing the emotions and confusion of a three year old. So I helped her, together we picked out pajama's and slowly changed and readied for bed. She cried the whole time. The sadness and pain in those tears ripped at my heart. It was already an hour past bedtime by the time I got her into bed and she begged for a story. I knew if I read her one she would be focused on the turning pages and sleep would still elude her but I also knew she needed one to help her calm down. As she cried and begged I offered to tell her favorite story of 'the Red Thread' it's an adoption fairy tale that she loves hearing over and over and I've read it so many times I can recite it by memory. She loves it. Not last night though. As she sobbed she cried, no Mommy, not that one! I want another one. Hmmm... crying, sobbing and manipulating. I couldn't help it, I laughed. I tried to control it but before I could the giggles slipped out and turned into full blow laughter. Oops. She got so mad, she screamed at me "I'm serious! I'm serious" over and over again. Oh boy, I felt terrible. I know you are, I'm sorry, I know you're serious. But this is it, it's this story or no story. She was crying so hard and the giggles were still slipping out, it was crazy, here my child was crying but as she lectured me through her tears on what 'story' she might want to hear I couldn't control what I knew was going to build to a huge belly laugh. I did the only thing I could think of, I grabbed her doll and hid my face while I pretended to ask the doll why she thought Kajal was so upset. Kajal was so stunned that I was talking to her doll that she stopped and became silent. I pretended to listen to the doll speak back to me and before I knew it Kajal's tears were giggles as well. Phew.

I tucked her into bed and sang to her (off key as usual) until she finally fell asleep. I curled up with one of my adoption books and read about anniversaries. Many psychologists believe that the subconscious mind remembers traumatic events from our past, things we have no conscious recollection of. When those anniversaries happen, a child might act out, struggle emotionally, even get physically ill. The only way to know for sure is to track these behaviors over time on a calendar until a pattern seems to develop.

I know that something is triggering these nightmares and the crying last night. Could it be that this is an anniversary of a horrible event of her past? There are so many things we don't know, how she became separated from her birth mother, was she left on a street corner or dropped off at a shelter? Was she sleeping and her mother just disappeared in the evening only for Kajal to wake up and find her parent gone. We'll never know. I do know that when most parents talk about how their children wake up grumpy I'm blessed, Kajal wakes up happy every morning. She seems thrilled as soon as she opens her eyes with the morning light, over and over again to realize that she's in her home with her very own mother. Our mornings are often full of laughter and joy.

So when my child starts to cry out of the blue or forgets how to pull on a shirt or make a simple decision I try to take a deep breath, remain calm and patient and recognize that these moments may be my child's painful past coming back to haunt her, if not consciously then in the deep recesses of her mind where the unknown answers of her traumatic past silently dwell.

Finally sleeping, with the help of a few friends