It's been an intense few weeks. I can't imagine what this is doing to Kajal, watching me pack up our home. I keep thinking that she never had a 'home' before, never had toys, clothes, 'thing's'. Never had a home to call her own. She's terrified at night again, sleeping with me every night... she can't sleep on her own or even walk across our apartment. The lights could be on everywhere and she'll still be afraid. The darkness comes outside and it seems to have crept into her peace, inside. I have no doubt our moving is shaking it all up for her.

During the day, she's the happiest, lightest of souls. She bounds out of the house every morning dressed for camp, usually in all pink and comes home full of stories of her daily successes. We walk the dog, have dinner and settle in for games, reading or television and I have to say, she's usually the one to say she's tired and ready for bed. Then she realizes how dark it is outside and the terror takes over. Sometimes it comes out by her acting out angrily at me. For a week, it was crazy anger every night, tears, kicking, telling me that she wants to go back to India, that she doesn't want a mom.  Finally yesterday, as bedtime neared I found myself weary of the craziness. I just didn't want to go through it again. I was tired too.

Hey Kajal, do you think you could go to bed tonight without getting mad at Mommy. Without kicking me or yelling at me, or crying?

Sure Mommy, I can do that.

Are you sure, I think it might be really hard (hopefully I ask)

Oh no, Mommy, I can do it watch me.

And sure enough she marched off to bed, hand in hand with me and proceeded to curl up in my arms and go to sleep peacefully.

Wow, that was simple. Tonight, I tried it again. Honey, do you think you could go to bed again tonight without getting mad or sad?

Oh, sure Mommy, I can do that. And she did.

I've been talking with her every day about the move. I remind her that we're moving to a new home, for us, for our family. So that we wont have to go through another icy New England winter. We talk about beaches, swimming pools and Grandma.  I want to make sure she knows she'll not be left behind... ever. I talk about our new town, her new school... the works.  It's going to be tough for a while, my mother is actually going to fly up and then fly down to Charleston with her where the two of them will stay at a hotel for three days. I'll deal with the movers (I didn't want to put her through moving day) and will make the two day drive down to Charleston. This move is going to be tough enough on her, never mind our being apart for the first three days. It seemed like the best solution, she gets car sick (imagine two days on the road) and I had a feeling that the movers would have confused her... seeing all her 'things' being taken away.

Moving is tumultuous enough for a child who has always had a home, a family. Never mind a child who has only had one for a year and a half. I pray like crazy that the transition will not be too painful for her.

Lately, she's been so incredibly hard on herself. When she makes a mistake or doesn't know something she expresses hatred for herself. She feels unworthy and unlovable.... I try and talk her through it, let her know that making mistakes is something to celebrate because that's when we learn and she is one of the smartest children I've ever met.

We were at dinner tonight and she looked up at me, Mommy, she said... I'm happy. With you.

With everything that's been going on... in that one moment I knew she was feeling peace. That for that moment, everything was really okay.

I know we'll get through the next two weeks (moving day is 11 days away) but keep us in your prayers.. we'll need every last one.