Moving day is fast approaching. I have to tell you, I've had more than a few moments of total panic. I'm moving my family to a town where I know two people! Mind you, they're both wonderful... my realtor who is someone I'm beginning to think of as a friend (thank God, a new friend!) and another person I haven't even met yet but is a close friend of a close friend and he's opened his heart to help us make our transition. It's more than a little terrifying. I truly believe that this is the right move for my family. I'll be lowering our cost of living while increasing the quality of our life, overall, but the change is huge.

People think I'm brave. I'm not, I'm actually a wimp. I went for my road test yesterday. Yep, you heard me right. I've been scared of driving since I failed my test at 16 and haven't driven in 30 years. I've been taking driving lessons the last month and finally took the road test today. I bombed. I was crying before I even pulled into the RMV. The fear was choking me. The RMV test officer seemed to be yelling at me throughout the test which lasted all of five minutes. Go slower, go faster, DRIVE LADY! I bombed. Miraculously I got my license. When I looked at the permit and saw the word PASS printed on it I looked up at him with tears streaming down my face, full of shame at my pending failure... is pass the new fail, I asked? No, he said, you passed but only because I know your instructor and he put in a good word for you. Talk about 'Thank God!!!!!'

That's me, the girls who is too wimpy to learn to drive until she's in her mid forties. How did I end up on a plane to India to pick up a child who didn't understand English? Now I'm moving my family to a new town in a state 900 miles from the city I've spent my whole life.

Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am, if they only knew my knees have been shaking for the last 30 days.

Kajal's been amazing. She watches me pack up the boxes and she offers to help. She's full of love and light and she's looking toward the future now, full of curiosity.

I ran into a friend of mine the other day on the street. She asked what our plans were and how I was doing. I said, oh fine, we're great. I mentioned that Kajal and my mother were going to be on a plane Wednesday morning to head down to Charleston while I would remain home to handle the movers then make the two day drive down with my friends and pets. As I started to explain the plan, as soon as I mentioned the word Wednesday the tears started streaming down my face. I waved my hand in front of my face, hold on, I said. I'm okay, just give me a minute, then I started to talk again ... Kajal and my mother will fly out ... the tears came again. Three times I tried to explain but I couldn't get through it without tearing up. Right in the middle of the busy street.

Then it hit me as I walked home. I've been on business trips for a day or two, leaving Kajal home with a good friend, knowing she was okay. I know she's going to be in great hands with my mother so it wasn't that but the idea of being in my home (soon not to be our home) without her, I couldn't imagine it. Because I realized that home is not home, without her.

Kajal has truly become my life, the total center of my world. You hear people wonder if they could ever love a child they didn't give birth to, love them the same way with the same intensity. I know that I haven't given birth. I did conceive a child that I miscarried years ago and I remembered loving that child completely from the moment of conception and grieving for years after his loss. I love Kajal no less... but more than I ever imagined.

So much, that the idea of being in a home, our home, without her, even for one night...is simply unbearable.