Routine equals Security
When I was first preparing to bring Kajal home I remember my social worker explaining to me the importance of establishing routines. Routines equal security she would say. I read as many books as I could get my hands on, read articles on the subject... everything I could find about adoption, adoption of older children, international adoption, adoption of children who have been institutionalized... I read until the wee hours of every morning. Consistently this subject of routine came up. But no one explained how to create routines in what felt like chaos... those early days were full of such extreme mood swings that I couldn't help but switch out aspects of our routine as I desperately tried to find solutions that would calm Kajal when she needed calming.
We had such incredible moments of joy but then the tantrums would happen out of the blue and the concept of routine would go out the window. It was pretty much about survival for both of us.
Life has become so peaceful now, for the most part. Normal actually. It's amazing how far we've come and how incredible life is. We do have our routines though, it's become easier now that I've come to realize what works and what doesn't. My mother has helped as well with this in guilding Kajal to establish her daily chores.
I don't allow Kajal to eat anything with sugar after 6 PM and we've been reading chapter books at night before bed. That helps a huge amount. Did I mention that Kajal's reading and comprehension has caught up and she is exactly where she's supposed to be in her first grade class. Not just that but they did math testing and she placed 1st in her class! First! I am constantly in awe of her natural intelligence and how fast she's learned.
As you know, Kajal has been going to sleep in her own bed. This is HUGE! Everynight it's the same thing, 7:30(ish) we head to bed. Logan, our little Cavalier King Charles even comes with us. Logan curls up at the end of the bed and I select the next book in the series we've started, The Magic Treehouse. If you haven't explored these yet, try them. They are truly wonderful. Every story is about a brother and sister who travel through time and the world in their magic treehouse. Every book is full of fun facts and learning about everything from the Moon to the Wild West, Africa or the Ocean... wonderful magical journeys take place. Kajal loves them and we started at book 1 and have been working are way through the series. We read about half a book each night (thank goodness there are over 30 in the series) and I wouldn't be surprised if when we get to the last one we just start again.
This little routine is very peaceful and Kajal usually drifts off as I read to her, which is a miracle in itself.
Yesterday we were at a Barnes and Noble and Kajal picked out a book about a girl with a magical dress. When bedtime came, she asked me to read this one. I did and as I read, Kajal got more and more stressed out. She started crying about the fact that she knew I'd be leaving her at some point during the evening, then she fought to go to my room vs. stay in her own. She got very angry at me and at one point asked me to leave. When I did, she snuck into my room and made a point of going to sleep on the side of the bed I always sleep in.
Tonight when I took her to bed she again, asked me to read the new book. I started to and sure enough, the tears started and the stress began.
Mommy, you can't leave me.
I wont Kajal. I'll never leave you.
But you're going to go down stairs and watch tv with Grandma!
Yes I am, but only after you go to sleep. And that's not leaving you Kajal, that's only going downstairs. We'll still all be in the same house.
You supposed to go to sleep with me. Parents are supposed to sleep with their children.
No honey, most parents and children sleep separately. They also have different bedtimes. I stay with you to help you because I know you're afraid at night.
Well then, she says, your supposed to stay with me then take a bath and go to bed.
Who said this? I ask....
It just is, she replys and glares at me.
Kajal, if you remember, in Boston you would go to sleep then I would go to the living room and sit on the couch and read or watch tv. Rememer? You would wake up and come to get me?
Yes, but in Boston, I could see you! I could hear you! I don't like this house, it's too big! It has stairs!
Hmmmm. Kajal, the house is bigger so that we have room for Grandma and room for your future brothers and sisters. But it's still safe and it's still our home.
I thought about her anxiety, reaching for an idea to calm her down again.
Hey Kajal, I think we should read a Magic Treehouse book, okay.
I could see how tired she was but she was letting the adrenelin of stress keep her awake.
I grabbed the next in the series, a book about Africa and Lions and started to read.
Not five minutes into the book she started to relax. She read a few pages and then happily listened to me read. Although she did try to lcok her arm through mine,something she does when she's afraid I might leave her during the night... it's her way of physically trying to 'chain' me to her.
About two chapters in, she had fallen happilly and peacefully asleep.
Thank you Magic Treehouse!
Routine, routine equals security. It is something so simple but in the chaos of daily living it's easy to brush it off and 'go with the flow'. It's not worth it.... the disruptions are too much for our precious children who never had security, stability or routine in their little lives. They need routine more than any other child... the continuous flow of one day into another. The security of knowing what comes next.
Peace.
PS
Since posting this entry several of you have asked about the Magic Treehouse Series... the best way I've found to get this is through Scholastic (www.scholastic.com) they offer huge discounts for a large part of the set (75% off retail price, yep 75%) have your childs teacher sign up for an account at scholastic, then you can get a sign on and order on line... for ever online order the classroom gets a free book... it's win win!
PS
Since posting this entry several of you have asked about the Magic Treehouse Series... the best way I've found to get this is through Scholastic (www.scholastic.com) they offer huge discounts for a large part of the set (75% off retail price, yep 75%) have your childs teacher sign up for an account at scholastic, then you can get a sign on and order on line... for ever online order the classroom gets a free book... it's win win!
Hi Lisa,
I found your blog by chance and have so enjoyed reading it. I am also a single adoptive mom. We live in san Francisco. I adopted my daughter, Kate, from China when she was one. She is now twelve! Seeing Kajal all dressed in pink made me wistful for my little girl who wore only pink- all pink, all the time. Wishing you both all the best.
Reply to this
Thank you so much for saying hello and for following Kajal's story. I bet Kate looked beautiful in pink, too... I have to admit, a part of me dreads the day she says no to pink. Please keep in touch with us and share your stories of Kate... we can all learn from one another s experiences.
Reply to this
Kate sure did look cute in all that pink- it's funny, for all of those years I kept hoping for a few more colors of the rainbow. I think that you just have to enjoy each time of your child's life for what it is. It goes so quickly.
Reply to this