I can't describe it.... I just feel sad.

Kajal was so excited, she was the 'star' student today. The teacher called her up to the front of the class and asked all the students to ask her questions about herself. They'll all write notes to her that will be shared with her this Friday when she'll be honored by appearing on the school's morning radio show.

What questions did they ask you, Kajal?

They asked me about India.

They asked me what India food I liked best and I told them I liked the spicy chicken gravy with rice you sometimes make me and sometimes you don't (chicken tika)

They asked me to tell them more about India. So I told them I didn't have a bed that I slept on the floor.

I told them I didn't have a shower, I showered outside.

Then they asked me what my favorite color was and I told them pink.

How did that feel, baby? Talking about India...

It was okay, Mommy. The teacher said, 'wow that must have been different, you probably didn't know how to use a towel" then I thought Mommy, she's right, I didn't know how to use a towel.

Did they ask you anything else?

Yes they asked me if I remembered any words and I thought really hard then I said, yes.

Namaste.

Oh, Kajal, I love that word, it is so beautiful.

Me too Mom.

Are you okay, was it okay to talk about India?

Yes... I'm okay.

She stared in my eyes then whispered that she loved me and once again, I held her until she fell asleep.

I've been trying to shake this bone deep sadness. I've been trying to put my finger on where it comes from... this numbing feeling of, simply sad. Then I realize... it's so simple. How can I not, at times, feel sad.... heart wrenching, sad, when I imagine my child sleeping on the floor, cold and hungry. Or imagine her being roughly bathed by uncaring adults, standing shaking, exposed in the outdoors.

The past is the past I know but sometimes, the pain of it, creeps into the present.

It's simply, sad.