Simon is truly a blessing. Kajal is still sleeping peacefully, one week after bringing him home. We had tried it all, as you know... homeopathic remedies, mediation, yoga, ocean sounds, reading, music, backrubs, lullabies.. nothing worked for any extended period of time.  Kajal could't fall asleep alone and once she did... she rarely slept through the night and she couldn't sleep in her own room for more than a few nights in a row...

Now, not only can she fall asleep in her room, she can do it with out me by her side. She sleeps happily through the night and wakes up refreshed, rested and after the sun comes up. This is incredible! Simon continues to sleep in her arms, purring happily.. one newly cherished tabby cat.

We went to the SPCA and rescued Simon, now Simon, has rescued Kajal.

Mothers day is coming.. Kajal came home with a flyer from school. Pay $7 for a cake from Publix and your child can decorate it in school and bring it home on Mothers day.  It's a PTA fundraiser and the school gets part of the money for much needed supplies and programs.

It started me thinking about mothers day and my relationship with my mother.

Many of you don't know what I do for a living... I try not to bring work into what I write here but since I want to share something related I'll give you a little history. I currently work for one of the largest workforce solution companies in the world. I'm very blessed. I manage national recruiting efforts for them and am abe to work from home, managing my teams from computers/phones etc. Although I started in the recruiting field right out of college, I always had a creative soul. For 5 years or so I worked in the independent film world. It started when one of my best friends from college, Kelley, approached me with a script. I'd had many years of fundraising experience and they were trying to raise money for a special little film project. I thought it sounded interesting and I trusted Kelley so I went for it. She gave me a 'book on 'how to produce an independent film' and the script and days later I was 'Executive Producing' the movie "The Autumn Heart". The film ended up staring Ally Sheedy and Tyne Daily and went on to be selected to premier at the Sundance Film Festival. It opened to sold out, celebrity filled audiences. The film also went on to win the Nantucket Film Festival and have a limited theatrical release.

Around mothers day you'll often see the film playing on Lifetime and it's available at Blockbuster and Netflix etc.  It was a truly inspiring film that reminded us that we don't always know what our parents have gone through. It helps us see life from the 'other side'.. from their side.

After the films release we received letters and calls from countless people who were touched by the story. The writer had truly captured the essence of complex family relationships and helps remind us that we all tend to make assumptions, build hurts and resentments over 'partial' information. The audience that reached out to us told us stories about how after seeing the film they would be motivated to pick up the phone and call a family member they'd lost touch with or had a serious falling out with. They thanked us for helping them regain some clarity about the 'truth' of their life and who their parents were versus who they thought they were.

Relationships with parents are complex. We build our perceptions based on our experiences with them, often, at the expense of knowing the full story from both sides. Our parents wish to protect us so they let us walk on in life with misperceptions, anger, misunderstanding.. hurt and resentment and they often do this to their own detriment.  Let them resent me, vs, know the truth etc.

I think the truth is healing to uncover, whatever the truth might be. Let us learn to love our parents as humans, as people who make choices in hard situations who most often have our best interests at heart. Let us be willing to hear their side and understand what they lived through, what they faced... before we sit in judgement of them.

Where is this coming from you wonder? Me, life, my relationship and my siblings relationship with my own mother. 

Let me tell you about her.. as we approach Mothers day I want to write a posting to honor her and all she's given me. Without her, I wouldn't be a Mom and I certainly wouldn't be the mother I am today (or should I say, strive to be).

My  mother had a tough beginning in life, to say the least. She was burned over 85% of her body with third degree burns when she was just a toddler. A pot of boiling water fell over her, resulting in horrific burns that left her hospitalized for most of her early and teen years. She underwent painful treatments and surgery after surgery... most experimental, to give her the ability to function in life. Anyone who knows my mother, who meets my mother doesn't even notice the scars.  We just don't see them... she is so beautiful in her own right. She has a radiant smile, beautiful face and personality and outrageous sense of humor. But she sees them, feels them and in a way.. they've always left her feeling, different.

As challenging as her early life was she went on to study ballet, in NY as a teenager with the NY Ballet. She became a show girl at the Latin Quarter in NY.. a place where only the most talented dancers in the world made the stage. She went on to marry and have five children. She was a smart young mother and selected a home for her family that was located in one of the finest towns in Massachusetts. A town that offered one of the best public school systems in America. She and my father struggled financially. My siblings remember the extra ketchup and sugar packages she'd take from McDonalds. I remember how embarressing that would be... until I grew up and realized we wouldn't have had ketchup on our hot dogs or sugar on our oatmeal if she hadn't swallowed her pride and 'asked' for extra. We had the best of everything as children, piano lessons, guitar and drum lessons.. ballet lessons etc. We didn't know my mother went without buying even a pair of socks for herself, for years on end.

We lived in one of the best neighborhoods in the United States but my parents struggled to make ends meet. To this day my mother can whip up the most delicious meal from what seems like empty cabinets.. I'm still amazed at how she can do that. When my mother was unhappy with the way the school system informed parents of their children's academic progress, she fought the government and was responsible for passing bills that changed the laws. When she didn't like the way local politics ran the town, she ran for office. School Committee , Alderman at Large. She didn't win (so few women did in those days) but boy she put up a good fight.

When it came to my family, my mother stopped at nothing to see that we had a good education. She enrolled us in summer learning programs and classes at MIT.. .MIT!  She packed picnics like a gourmet chef and had my father driving through out New England to visit family and picnic near historic sights. We visited the museums of Boston and participated in cultural fairs. My parents could barely get by financially but the Christmas tree was always full of magical gifts and the holidays were always full of magic, from Easter baskets to valentine hearts left at our bedside.  It still amazes me that they raised five children on as little as they did and we all went on to some level of higher education and success. 

How often do we look back at our life and focus on what we didn't have? What our parents didn't do or (we think they didn't do). Do we take the time to ask them, what was it like for you? Why did you make the choices you did? Do we give them the benefit of love and compassion as we might a stranger or a friend?

My mother made hard choices and sure, she had her moments that weren't Brady bunch moments but what parent doesn't? Who amoung us, who are parents haven't reacted at times in ways we wished we hadn't or made choices that made our children angry.. that they didn't understand.

My mother scrimped and saved, sacrificed and ended up giving her children more than most children in the world could ever dream of  having. We turned out okay. My elder sister is about to run children's services for a major school system, my elder brother is a genius, a world renown business man and a leader in the world of technology, my younger brother is a doctor and my younger sister is a mother to three amazing children. My mother has 10 grandchildren and my mother... when she was in her seventies, boarded a plane to a third world nation... facing all fears, to be there when my first child was placed in my arms.

This mothers day I'm reaching out to all of you to think of what our mothers went through to raise us... to do the best they could. Try not to judge. Try to let go of any angers and try to put ourselves in their shoes and perhaps, to focus on what they did for us.. all the ways they were there for us, vs. focusing on the ways we think they weren't. To give our moms the benefit of the doubt... if you're carrying anger in your hearts for choices they made or disagreements you've had with them, pick up the phone or write a letter. Ask them, why, how.. what happened? Hear them out. Give them a voice.. perhaps healing for you both is phone call away.
 
Today, I'm blessed that my mother lives with me. As a single mother, life can be hard. We argue, we disagree.. we have our moments. I want to raise my daughter 'my way' and buck against all her years of experience. Then I try and step back and remember that she's been a mother for a lot longer than I and even though our parenting styles may be different at times... she is full of wisdom, courage and grace and if I was a tenth the mother she was, Kajal will turn out, okay.

Kajal loves to get involved... we started our local Jane Goodall Roots & Shoots chapter and Kajal has been learning about sea turtles so she can be a 'sea turtle scientist' and work to help save the sea turtles along the coast of South Carolina. As you all know, I truly believe that it is through giving, life gives us the greatest gifts and Kajal has come to take this philosophy to heart. 

Saturday we volunteered with our Churches 'nerve to serve' program. The volunteer project was a visit to the local SPCA to give some love and exercise to the animals living there. Kajal checked out the dogs then went on to visit with some cats. The first cage she opened was that of a 3 year old Tabby named Simon. Simon pretty much wrapped himself around Kajal and it was love at first sight, for both of them. He purred, she smiled... she flopped him around in her arms and still.. he purred. I've never seen such a gentle soul in an animal. Kajal finally put him down and when the cage closed a cry wailed out that pulled Kajal back to play with him some more. Although she walked some dogs and spread her love around to the other animals.. Simon had her heart. As he purred she gazed up at me.

He purrs just like Sasha did Mom (Sasha, our precious pet that passed away from Cancer several months ago) He needs a home Mom. He needs someone to love him and adopt him.. to take care of him. You adopted me Mom and he needs me to adopt him...

The writing was on the wall.  

I'll take care of him, I'll love him... I'll even sleep in my room every night forever if you let me adopt him. He can sleep with me mom...

Stop the presses...

Kajal, are you sure? You'll sleep in your own room? If you make this commitment it's serious.. he'll be frightened in a new home and he'll really need you to stick with him.. no matter what.

Oh mom, I'll love him and sleep with him forever! I'll change his litter, I'll clean his food and water.. I'll do it all.

I'm thinking, we already have two cats and three dogs at home. Never mind the three feral (becoming more tame, I think they're now calling it 'teral' cats we take care of, that live in our backyard).

As I watched Kajal with this gentle animal, stretched across her lap... purring as he gazed up at her, I found myself wondering how can I not? We have pets, family pets and Kajal loves them but this... this would be her own special pet. I knew she was responsible, I believed she'd truly work to help take care of him.

They have so much in common these two... gentle souls who had no one, but capable of loving just the same. When  Kajal first came home she had such an open heart and so, it seems does this cat. He has nothing, but he loves like a mush.

I had Kajal sign the adoption papers with me and read through all of the information. We somberly talked about all the ways we would have to take care of him and about introducing him into our home and then we headed for home. A happy cat clutched in a cardboard box...

As we drove towards home, Kajal screamed out:

LIFE IS A MIRACLE!!!!!!! This is the happiest day of MY LIFE!

Her smile was beyond imagining... Kajal, I told her, you realize that there was a cost involved in adopting Simon. We're going to have to hold off for a little while on new toys and nintendo games. New stuff, period. We still need to get Simon a bed and a few toys to help him celebrate his new life and that's where our focus needs to be right now. Are you okay with that?

Oh, Mom, I'll never need a toy again! I have my own cat.. that's all I need.. truly.

She was so happy. Beaming, proud, in love with a Tabby. She asked me questions about cat care and the second we got home she popped in the cat care video that the SPCA gave her and she practically took notes.

Before long it was bedtime and sure enough, Kajal curled up in her own bed without an argument.. clutching Simon in her arms and the two of them fell asleep, peacefully, together.

Somehow, this cat knows. He knows that she needed him as much as he needed her. She carries him everywhere and he just hangs there, happy, in her arms. They play together and he watches as she lovingly scoops his litter and changes his food and water.

Simon was fearless at first. He approached our dogs without fear and our two cats who are around 14 years in age. The dogs give chase occasionally but it's the cats I'm worried about. They haven't responded so well and I'm afraid we may have a serious cat fight in our future.  Not Simon, he'd be best friends with everyone if he could.. my cats are on guard and have come at him ready for a fight, not sure how to improve that just yet. I just hope they don't hurt him out of fear, he's a gentle soul who doesn't have an aggressive and defensive bone in his body. He just looks at us in confusion when they hiss at him.

It's been two nights since our homecoming and Kajal has continued to sleep in her bed, peacefully with Simon by her side.. throughout the night. This has been the longest consecutive period in the three years since she came home from India that she has been able to sleep without fear, without nightmares, without running into my room.. truly sleep peacefully... for more than one night.  He sleeps by her, happy as can be.. purring away.

Yesterday we had a bit of a rough evening. Before bed Kajal was hungry and asked to have an apple. Simple enough. She was in the kitchen alone and I heard her rustling about. I thought she was just eating her apple but then it hit me it was a little too quiet. Kajal... I called. I walked into the Kitchen and found her with the apple and a huge knife lying on the counter next to her perfect slices.

Kajal isn't allowed to use the sharp knives and this one, this was a huge one. I raised my voice (to say the least) Kajal! You know it's against the rules to use the sharp knives! That is so dangerous, you could have hurt yourself! Why didn't you call me and say you wanted it cut!

I was so scared and angry and she just stood there with wide eyes... I don't know mom. I just wanted to cut it.

But you KNOW! You KNOW it's against the rules,  I've told you 100 times not to touch those knives!

She didn't answer, just gazed up at me.

Okay (I calmed down, a little, not a lot) eat your apple but never, never again use those knives. Ask me if you want something cut... I do not want to see you hurt. It's my job as your mommy to take care of you, to see you safe and that means rules! Do you understand?! She nodded, no answer.

10 minutes later she was curled in a ball, hiding under a chair.

The blind fear and insecurity was back...

This is one of our greatest challenges. When Kajal does something wrong (she tries so hard most of the time to do things, right... almost too right, she puts pressure on herself to always get things 'right') and I have to correct her or in this case, raise my voice or yell (yep, I yell.. try not to, but it happens and I always.. always feel lousy and guilty after) then she goes to 'that' place. The place of self doubt and insecurity. There has to be consequences for actions but so often when she does something wrong and I get mad or even not mad, just firm... she crashes. Immediately assumes that's it, I don't love her.. her security feels at risk.

And let me tell you, it's hard when you're angry to 'reassure'. .but I try to, after I've calmed down and caught my breath. I was terrified when I saw her with that knife.

I asked her to come out from under the chair and led her to her bedroom.  She had a tantrum. The first one in a long time... perhaps not a full blown tantrum but she screamed when I tried to hold her and reassure her and cried/screamed for a few minutes. When she calmed down, I asked her, Kajal, when you do something wrong and I raise my voice (Yell, Mommy, she said) alright, yell at you.. do you believe I don't love you anymore?

Yes, she answered.

Kajal, I do love you ... no matter what happens.. I'll always...

Don't say it Mom! You always say it! Blah Blah Blah.. you'll love me forever more than all the blah blah stars in the sky.. Don't say it MOM!

Okay, so that worked well.

Well, it's true, Kajal.. it's always going to be true, but I'm still your Mommy and it's my job to teach you right from wrong and sometimes when you do something really wrong, I am going to be mad. I'm human, it happens... it doesn't change how I feel about you.

Her back was turned. Simon jumped on the bed. he walked over to Kajal, smelled her face then he licked her tears.

Simon.

Just what she needed... he needed us and we needed him.

Mom, will you read me a book?

Sure, Kajal.. and so I read a book about a fox whose mother loved him, no matter what.

Kajal has had trouble sleeping on her own... the nightmares that haunt her from her life in India still leave her afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone. I have faith that it's just a matter of time. I see her confidence growing. Some nights, she doesn't hesitate to head to her room and others... she knows she just can't. I don't push her, I encourage her... motivate her, guide her but I don't push her, I know she does it when she can and I try to trust that it truly is just a matter of time. We've started talking about adopting another child, finding a younger sister to bring into our family. I've explained that it would be a good thing for Kajal to be sleeping in her room every night before we introduce a new child into the family. So that they can share a room, together. Kajal is comfortable with that idea but her struggle to sleep alone continues.

One day she just headed to her room.. no issues, no grand statements. Just, Mom, I'm sleeping in my own room tonight.

That's great Kajal... what made you think of doing that?

My doll. She thought it would be a good idea.

She's my friend Mom.

She is indeed.


Kajal's American Girl doll, "Kajal" and Mr. H junior (a copy of the stuffed animal Jane Goodall travels the world with)

We all love the holidays... any holiday. I was blessed with a mother that knew how to celebrate and managed to make every holiday magical. When I was growing up I had no doubt the Easter bunny had hopped through our home, that Santa Claus had rested his feet at our fire place... that Leprechans loved to play silly tricks on us. Magic felt real in my home and I can't help the desire to continue to follow in the loving traditions that I was raised with.  Of course, my mother was smarter than I. She knew to keep it simple and managed to create magic within that simplicity. I'm trying to retain that lesson but it's not always so easy to do. It may be that I dreamed of being a mother for so long, of all the things I wanted to do with my child that when the opportunity finaly came along to be that mom... I find myself going overboard, perhaps catching up for lost time, and overdoing it in the process.

Take the Tooth Fairy for example. I was raised that when you lost a tooth you placed it under the pillow and the Tooth Fairy came. She took the tooth and left behind a quarter... maybe when we were really lucky, a silver dollar. It was wonderful!

When Kajal lost her first tooth, the Tooth Fairy came too. Kajal's Tooth Fairy left a trail of fairy dust, a note telling her how much she loved her, a dollar and a present.  Then every time Kajal lost a tooth, the same Fairy would go a little crazy... leaving her trail of fairy dust everywhere she must have flown along with her little gifts. Even the time Kajal lost 5 teeth in as many weeks, the Tooth Fairy appeared working her magic.

The last tooth Kajal lost was about a month ago. Things went a little differently. Kajal found fairy dust and a present waiting for her but she couldn't find a dollar bill and a personal note.

Kajal was very upset... ran around the house ripping everything apart. Where's the note Mommy?! She was so upset she verged on tears through out the day.

Well, honey, maybe the tooth Fairy was tired? Maybe she had a lot of teeth to pick up and did things a little differently this time...

NO MOM! The Tooth Fairy, ALWAYS leaves a NOTE!

Uh oh.

We continued through out the day to look for the note and the missing dollar bill until it was almost bed time.

Kajal! Look what I found! I called out to her.. desperate to see her smile again.

What Mom?

I found your note! It was caught up in the sheets, we must have missed it earlier.

Oh, that's great Mom... I knew she'd leave a note!

She was so happy and relieved... especially when I also found the missing dollar bill under a chair in the upstairs hallway. It even had some Indian money hidden away with it.

Wow, I wondered aloud, I wonder how it ended up here? Perhaps Amber, the puppy was playing with it and left it here earlier, what do you think Kajal?

Sure, Mom. That makes sense.. .(she's quietly thinking) but what's so strange is I looked there earlier and didn't see anything..

Gulp.

Oh I know Mom, the cat was under the chair too... she must have been sleeping on top of the money.

That's right Kajal, she must have.

Hm. Simple. I should have remembered that three years ago.

So that brings us to today, Valentines day. Every year for Valentines my mother used to leave a small heart shaped box full of chocolates at the foot of our bed. Perfect. It was always wonderful and perfect.

Could I follow her simple and so perfect example... nooooooo.... a box of chocolate just didn't seem 'enough' not with all those cute little Valentines gifts floating around out there.

Each year, I build a pile of silly Valentines.. .a snuggly stuffed animal, the pre-requisite heart shaped box of chocolate, fun pencils or art supplies, Valetine clothing or pajamas, heart shaped lolly pops, heart shaped jewelry.. .and so on. I arrange everything in a place I know Kajal will find it.. I love the idea of her waking up in the morning full of excitement and awe.

This year Kajal was really into it. She was into the giving as much as the excitement of what she would receive. At church she learned about treating others as you'd would like to be treated and the Golden Rule. She had asked me to take her to the store so she could pick out some cards and gifts. She snuck them to the register and I paid while keeping my eyes averted until her loot was hidden away in a bag.

She hid away in her room wrapping her gifts and giggled as she controled herself from giving away hints. She helped me hide away the orchid we'd picked out for my mother and we both were full of excitement for the big day.

After she fell asleep I arranged all of her gifts on the night table besides the bed, then fell into an exhausted sleep. When Kajal awoke at 5 AM she raced down stairs and I fell back to sleep for another grateful hour of rest.

At 6:30 I awoke and noticed the room was still dark. I called out her name and when she came to the room I could see something was horribly wrong.

What is it honey, what's the matter?

I looked Mommy, I looked everywhere but I couldn't find any Valentines for me. I only found Grandma's.

She looked heartbroken, shattered, sad and shutdown.

But Kajal, honey... didn't you turn on the light this morning. The light on the night table? Whe always turns the light on first thing.  I pointed to the table. There in the shadows of the room was a friendly pink bear holding a heart shaped pillow in her arms surrounded by heart shaped lolly pops, a beautiful Barbie, gifts and card.

Kajal approached unsurely.

I didn't see it Mommy, I didn't want to turn on the light since it was Valentines, I wanted you to sleep in.

Oh... the thought of her running around the house for an hour and a half, looking for gifts only to find nothing... reinforcing all those feelings of self doubt and unworthiness.

She couldn't even seem to rally herself to get excited about her gifts... she didn't trust them or me.

Kajal, I'm so sorry. I really thought you'd see them first thing, I wanted you too.

But MOM! You ALWAYS put the Valentines gifts on the kitchen table! You did it in Boston and you did it here too, every year!

Oh my.. again, I got in trouble for not keeping it simple.

Honey, I'm sorry... I forgot. I didn't realize I do the same thing every year. (I guess it's the Easter Bunny that puts the basket on the night table).

Shoot.

I held her and helped her open her gifts.

Kajal, did you really think I wouldn't get you something? That I wouldn't celebrate you?

She looked at me with such deep sadness in her eyes...

Yes mom, when I didn't find anything, I thought that I didn't get anything. I was sad.

I hugged and kissed her... Kajal, listen to me. I promise you. A holiday wouldn't be a holiday with out you. I wouldn't want to celebrate a holiday without celebrating you. I will always, always... find something special to give you on special days... always, this I promise you. Can you try and trust that?

She didn't answer, but I know she was trying desperately... to believe.

A little while later she gave me her present. The card was the most beautiful card I'd ever received, truly.

It was a card meant for a great love...

All I need is you
You give me warmth and tenderness
you fill my heart with pride
you give me trust and friendship
and you take my faults in stride
you add such love and meaning
to everything we do
you give me so much happieness
that all i need is you.

Then she wrote:
I love you so very much. you are the best mother i the world.  No one is as lucky as I am. Kajal.

Her gift was a music box we'd made together at a Lowes work shop... it had a heard shaped cover and played beautiful classical music.

I wanted you to have this Mom, to remember that we made it together.

She hugged me and I felt her love and fragileness.

I read these words and truly I was in awe... in awe at this precious child who'd never known love... who in such a few years has not only opened her heart but has become truly in tune with her feelings and emotions.

Her love is the greatest gift ... the most precious gift I could ever imagine.

To all our friends all over the world... may love and hope surround your heart and keep you safe and cherished today.




Happy Valentines Day...

The other day, we celebrated Kajal's 9th birthday. In her words 'it was the best day of her whole life'. For the last few years we've done the 'birthday party thing'.  Themed parties where we invite practically everyone we know, lots of decorations, the huge cake and some form of entertainment. Each birthday has been special but this year I just didn't want to get caught up in doing a 'bigger and better' event. A birthday wasn't an 'event' when I was growing up. It was cake and icecream with family and it was always, special. I talked with Kajal about what she really wanted for her birthday this year. Top of her list is a computer which truly, I just couldn't swing in time for her big day. I told her that I was working on it and she would have one in the coming weeks but in the meanwhile we made a plan to celebrate... her. On the actual day, I took off a little early from work and picked her up from her bus stop. We hit the road and we did some of her favorite things, everything from a quick stop at Dunkin Donuts (yes, in the middle of the day) to a run to Gamestop to purchase a new video game and exchange one she wasn't crazy about. a stop at World Market so she could pick out something that was made in India (to remember where she came from) and then I cooked her favorite Indian dish (Chicken Tikka). We had a small white birthday cake decorated with pink and purple roses (I even managed to avoid the huge Disney cake) vanilla icecream and two of our special neighbors. We opened some gifts (a barbie fairy doll she'd been hoping for, Uno, American girl doll books and a few other small gifts) and we played Uno until it was time to sleep. It was a simple day and she was so happy. The next night I would be taking Kajal and her two new, best friends to a movie and for pizza... she was so excited.

As she curled up in my arms, tired from a simply perfect day.. we read the book we read every year on her birthday 'On the Night You were Born'. She loves it, the tradition feels good, safe and secure.

Tell me about the real night I was born, Mommy. She asked and I knew what she was asking. For details I couldn't give her.

Well, it was February in Southern India... near Pune. The air was probably warm and filled with some smog, the smells of Indian spices filled the air.

What else Mom?

I knew what she was  hoping for.... the same celebration of life we'd just read about in the book.

Kajal, I don't know exactly what happened that day in India but I know one thing for sure.. with absolute certainty...

What Mom?

I know that the moment that you came into the world.. that moment was the most incredibly amazing, awesome, important moment in my entire life... there is no moment to me in my entire life, in the entire world... that means more than the moment you were born.

She smiled, a smile full of peace that came from the knowledge that she was indeed loved and wanted.

Kajal has asked me to tell you all that she is 'jumping rope for heart'. She's doing her first little fundraiser to help The American Heart Association help children with heart disease. We started a local Jane Goodall Roots & Shoots program and have been spending a lot of time lately talking about the importance of helping others. She's taken this to heart, literally and when this opportunity was presented to her at school she 'jumped' on it.  She walked in the door, handed me the flyer and told me, yes told me... I'm jumping rope to help children who are sick. 

I'm thrilled that Kajal is excited about doing something to help others. She asked me to share the link to her home page with everyone we could. If anyone reading this feels like participating, even a $1 can help her, help these children.

Here is Kajal's letter and link to the American Heart Association's Jump Rope for Heart Campaign:

I’m joining millions of other kids to help save lives with the American Heart Association’s Jump Rope For Heart Program!  Will you help me?

I’m doing Jump Rope For Heart at my school and learning about kids with special hearts. I’m also learning about my own heart, and how to take care of it. And I’m getting active and jumping rope!

Some kids have special hearts – and need our help!  I’m raising money to help kids like them. The money I raise will help pay for education and for new medicines and treatments to be discovered.  It could help cure heart disease – for everybody!  

You can help too!  Will you make a donation?  It’s fast and easy to do on my personal Web page! Just use the link below.

Thank you for helping me save lives and be a Heart Hero!

To make a donation online, visit my personal page or click on the ‘Donate Now’ button to go straight to the donation form.


Special Notes:  
*All donations are tax deductible.
*You can learn more about Jump Rope For Heart, kids and cardiovascular disease and kids’ health by visiting heart.org/jump.

Click here to visit my personal page.
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://honor.americanheart.org/site/TR?px=2274415&pg=personal&fr_id=1441&et=QxiqDljJfYqPN8e974WjQg..&s_tafId=91428

How was your day, I asked Kajal after I picked her up from the bus.

Okay, Mommy, but Kiley was mean again.

What happened?

Every day at lunch, when I go to sit down, she says... NO! You can't sit there! I saved those seats for my BFFs!

(BFF - best friend forever)

She saves all the seats Mommy and she's mean to all of us.

Have you tried talking with her?

Yes but it doesn't work.

Have you gone to the teacher?

Yes and the teacher told her to stop but she does it again, every day.

Hmmm... if this is happening in 2nd grade, what's going to happen in high school?

I couldn't help it, I found myself getting pissed off at a bratty second grader.

Kajal, you've got to nip this in the bud. If you don't stand up for yourself now, this little girl is going to be pushing you around for a long time... it's going to get a lot worse.

What do you mean, nip in bud?

I mean, stop it. What she's doing is wrong. I'd like you to try and tell her that, then sit right down where ever you want to sit, she doesn't own those seats.

Kajal thought about it for a little bit.

It's about standing up for yourself, honey.... and it could feel good. You've tried it before. Will you try it again?

Okay but what do I say.

How about something like: Kiley, you don't own these seats. You can't tell me what to do or where to sit then just ignore her and sit down where ever you like.

Will I get a prize if I stand up to her.

Hmmm.... maybe a little one, Kajal. If you stand up to her that would definitely be worth celebrating (okay so I bribed her a little.. .what harm can a little motivation do?)

Kajal came home the next day with a huge smile on her face.

I did it mom. I stood up to Kiley.

You did?????

I did! I walked right up to her and told her she didn't own all the seats and she can't tell me where to sit, that it was wrong.

Wow! You're amazing Kajal! What did she say to you?

She told me that I wasn't the boss of her and I couldn't tell her what she could or couldn't do. Then I told her, you're right, I'm not the boss of you.

So she said, what are you doing then.

And I say... I'm STANDING UP FOR MYSELF!

Wow, that's incredible! You're incredible and so brave! Good for you! What happened next?

Well, then another girl heard what I said Mommy and she walked over and stood up for herself and told Kiley she couldn't be mean to her either.

Wow! Kajal do you realize that you not only stood up for yourself but you set such a positive example you helped another child have courage, so they could stand up for themselves! How incredible does that feel???

It feels good, Mom. Real good.

She sat smiling then raised one little eyebrow at me.

Can I have my surprise now?

The nightmares are back. They started a few nights ago. Kajal woke up sobbing uncontrollably. Mommy! Mommmmmy!!!!!!!! She screamed...

I'm here, baby what happened?

I dreamed you sent me away, you sent me away to a children's prison! You didn't want me anymore!

There it is... always lurking quietly in the background, even in the silence of the evening. Sneaking up on her as she sleeps as our deepest fears always do... the fear that I'll abandon her too. Send her away, send her back.

I held her and rocked her back to sleep. Telling her over and over again that we are forever, that we are a team. That I'll always love her, never leave her... and never, never not want her.

The sobbing was so full of pain and anquish. When I asked her about the nightmare, she told me I was so mean to her... pushing her away, sending her far away.

Remember those nightmares as a child? How terrifyingly real they were. When I think about her dreaming of me, pushing her away, me hurting her... it rips me apart inside. I can't imagine what pain that must cause her, real as it was... even just a dream.

The next night she woke smiling. Hi Mom, she smiled in the morning... last night I had a good dream. I dreamed that Grandma was back, sitting on her spot on the couch when I came downstairs. Mom's away right now in Florida and it was so precious to see how much Kajal loves her, how much she accepts her as part of her life, part of her family.

Then last night, the screams started again. Kajal was sound asleep and screaming and yelling. The screams turned to choked sobs and the tears started to stream down her face. I tried to wake her, gently... Kajal, it's not real.. you're having a nightmare honey, wake up. Eyes closed she responded to me... still deep asleep.. Stop Mommy! Stop being Mean to ME! The nightmare had her in it's in grips and she shook and cried, screaming and crying. I couldn't wake her and I couldn't seem to stop it... she wasn't hearing the good in my voice, the love... she was too far lost in the horrors of her deepest fears.

In desperation I knelt and prayed... I prayed to God, I prayed to Jesus, I prayed to every Saint I'd ever read about. I asked for angels to stop my babies nightmare, to bring her peace. I wept and prayed and for what seemed like hours and most likely only lasted a minute or two when I realized Kajal had stopped screaming. Her tears stopped streaming and the sound of her breathing was peaceful again.

I know some of you out there may not believe in a higher power, I've certainly had times in my past when I didn't either.. or shall I correct that and say that I may have believed, somewhat.. but I certainly didn't believe that a higher power, or in my case God.. would show up for me at times when I needed Him. I have, in recent years experienced the presence of God in my life... of this I have no doubts.

Last night, curled up with Kajal, listening to the peaceful sound of her breathing, I knew my prayers had been answered.

Finding a church was a lot more difficult than we ever imagined. If you've followed my blog you know that we've been looking for over a year. We've been to so many different houses of worship, several were wonderful... they just didn't feel 'right' for us. Many of the churches are self segregated down here and being an inter-racial family, we knew we didn't belong. Even at the bus stop in the morning children talk of 'speaking in tounges' or explain each other's behaviors as being brought on by the 'devil'. To say life in South Carolina is different than liberal Boston would be putting it mildly. What we wanted to find, we thought was simple. A place of worship where God was celebrated.. where people didn't sit in judgement of one another, where the focus was on service and love. A fully integrated environment where all cultures and people are celebrated. How hard could it be so close to what is known as the 'Holy City'.

It turned out we'd already found our church. We just didn't know it. Or should I say, we weren't ready for it. Hmmm... let me correct that, we found it, Kajal loved it and Mommy.. ran from it. It was the second church we visited, over a year ago. The church had grown so much that our town had a satellite church. They watched the pastor give his service on a large screen television and there was a band that played in the front of what felt like a theatre to me. It was much too different from the 17th century church I was used to and the angelic choir back in Boston.

After visiting countless other churches, I decided to once again visit this church. I'd met several people who I really liked it in the area and they'd spoken very highly of the services. The church is Seacoast. What I came to realize after walking back through it's doors was that I was the one that wasn't ready. I was so wrapped up in what I believed church was supposed to look like on the outside that I wasn't really listening for what was on the 'inside'. This church had the love, the service, the heart, that I was seeking. It just came in a different package.

I've always believed that God gives us signs when we're on the right path. The teachers of the children's program are amazing and incredibly compassionate towards Kajal. The church had recently launched a program to assist adoptive and foster parents, they have a program called Hope Epidemic that's bringing fresh water, literacy and medical care to third world countries (including India!) and they feed the hungry in their local community. People attending the services seem to come from all over and represent all races. The music doesn't seem so loud now, in fact, it seems just right. Kajal  walked out of her second class and when I asked her how it went, she smiled and told me that she had learned all about her 'gifts'.

What 'gifts' I asked her?

The gifts God gave me, that made me special...
 
and she went on to list the special qualities or 'gifts' that make her, her.

Kind
Friendly
Loving
Artistic

Ah yes, it took us a while but finally we found a church where we feel right at home and it feels good, it feels really good.